The past week or so has been kind of rough. (I promise I won’t be all angsty for this entire
post – I’m not about to go all Harry Potter #5 on you.) I’ve felt really lost and unsure and those feelings totally sapped my motivation to do anything. Or they scared me into doing nothing, because if you don’t try, you can’t fail, right? (Wrong.)
I’m trying to figure out how to live on almost $0 so that I’ll be able to pay back my student loans, how to be a freelance musician outside of school, how to turn a just-for-fun woodwind quintet into an actual business, how to run without injuring myself, how the hell to fundraise $3700 for the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation, and how to enjoy life and have the desire to get up every morning instead of just curling into the fetal position and refusing to acknowledge the world. How to be an adult, I guess.
Maybe those things don’t seem that difficult to most of you (in which case I am both jealous and in awe), but I constantly feel like I have no idea how to do any of them. And that’s not a feeling I’m used to having. I do have a lot to be grateful for, and that’s what’s been keeping me going.
But I do feel like my life has been turned upside down, even though I wasn’t in West Philadelphia born and raised. (I’m quoting the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song, for those of you who didn’t grow up in the 90s.)
These feelings reached their boiling point this morning when I realized that I forgot to cancel my Amazon Prime free trial and am now missing $80 from my bank account, and that I STILL have not received a paycheck from a gig I played IN JULY. (Really, North Central College? REALLY?)
So there I was standing next to my mailbox, and as the worries about money and my own lack of attention threatened to overwhelm me, I shouted – yes, actually shouted – “I hate everything forever!” right as stranger passed by me. Yes, really. Because this is my life. To that guy, I’m sorry I made you jump and then walk really quickly away.
After being too afraid to acknowledge my responsibilities for the past week, completely failing at life yesterday, and exploding on a random stranger this morning, I think it’s time to take a step back. I am not homeless, and I am not dying. I have wonderfully supportive friends and family. I have a wonderful group of people helping me train for a half-marathon, and helping me raise money for a great cause. I get to spend a lot of my time doing something I love: playing music, and sometimes I even get paid for that – though apparently not if I play at North Central College!#%@%!!!#^&!!! Sorry. Taking a step back.
So here is my plan. I’m going to complete one task per day in each of these categories:
- general adulthood-ness-y-type things (doing laundry, paying bills, calling North Central for the 3937573963th time, etc.)
That’s only 3 things each day. Just 3. Even preschoolers can count to 3. My brain is significantly more developed than a preschooler’s, thus, I should be able to handle this. Logic. I’ll let you all know how it goes. For now, I’ll leave you with a little inspiration…